Mar
13
Give me parenthood, but do not give it yet.
Author Andy L. | Filed Under Miscellaneous
I’ve come to the, admittedly, shocking conclusion that I want to be a father, someday. If that statement seems somewhat ambivalent, than it accurately captures how I feel. Five years ago, I would’ve said, no children…ever. However, I’m known for making definitive statements that typically require a retraction at some later date. (One retraction was delivered no more than five minutes after the initial comment. Tasty fruit, anyone?) About three and a half years ago, my fiancee and I had “the talk.” If you are married, engaged, or planning to do either of the former, you know the conversation to which I’m referring. It’s the conversation in which the topic of little ones, religion, and which set of parents get you for which holiday is discussed. I’m kidding about the last one, maybe, but the other two are pretty important. Let me pause here and say this, if you are married and didn’t have that conversation, and don’t plan to, well, best of luck to you.
Where was I? Oh yes, kids and religion. They go hand-in-hand don’t they? People who are not religious have children, and then it suddenly becomes important, for both parties. Religious people, regardless of which religion they practice, already have children on their radar. It’s important to them that their children be raised in the same religion. Either way, the conversation is made easier when the two people involved share some similarities, such as wanting to actually reproduce and practicing the same religion. In my case, it was maybe to the former and yes to the latter, although most people who know me might disagree with the word, “practice” (I’m applying the term extremely loosely). Of course, my desire to not reproduce had been tempered somewhat by my nephew, who had made the concept of tiny humans cool, so long as they weren’t mine. In the end, my fiancee and I concluded our conversation with the agreement that we would revisit the topic of children in the future, where both the topic and the possible offspring should be.
I guess my wife knows me pretty well, because here we are, coming up on our third anniversary, and the thought of having children someday no longer makes me feel like spontaneously puking. When I walk through the park on the way to work every morning, I see a lot of kids playing and laughing and generally having a good time. Sometimes I smile. But I don’t think I’m ready yet. After all, my wife and I still refer to any future progeny as spawn, and the other day, when she used the word baby in the same context as us, I got a little nervous. Then there’s the fact that a friend of mine, recently married with no kids, detailed what I thought was a hilarious method of punishment: Lock a kid in a dark closet with a rubber hose and the sound of a rattlesnake. I think that’s funny, in a purely theoretical way, today. When I stop thinking its funny, I’ll be one step closer to being ready to have kids.
The most telling thing, however, may be how my wife and I seem to be taking these steps toward our very own miniature human (any child my wife and I produce will be lucky to top out at 5′5″) together. We were in a Ski shop recently and I saw the tiniest pair of mittens I’ve ever seen, when I pointed them out to my wife, she said, “Those make my uterus hurt.” My uterus didn’t hurt, probably because I don’t have one, but if I did, I’m sure it would have. Instead, I had all these great mental images of teaching my kids to snowboard, taking them to soccer games, inducting them into the lifelong suffering of being a NY Jets fan, whatever. I thought about watching R rated movies with them after making them swear not to tell their mother (thanks, dad). I think sometime, in the no longer distant future, I’ll have to retract my initial statement on reproducing. What’s more, I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy to do so, but not yet.
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4 Responses to “Give me parenthood, but do not give it yet.”
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1. haha spawn
2. I believe your response to the initial baby convo was “eh…” and you looked a bit queasy.
3. The snake comment is horrible
4. This entire post is freaking ME out a bit. So we are even for my use of the word baby!
5. I love you
regarding previous posters comment number 3 “The Snake Closet”
My idea, your welcome for that pearl of parenting wisdom by the way.
I… uh… well… I had a response… but then Dana had to write that gooey response and now I feel queasy too. Moses help that poor, short child.
I will add, however, the hilarious omission of your dreams of someday taking your potential child to basketball practice. It also seems that you are assuming you’ll have a son… Linda would be curious how you’d respond to THAT assertion.
Ok, reality check: Teaching your kids to snowboard is NOT going to be fun… Whatever you might have pictured in your head, I advise you to re-evaluate based on these truths: 1. Snowboarding is Painful. 2. Mountains are cold in the winter. And, most importantly, 3. snowboarding requires allot of time in the car.
In summation: Kids don’t like pain, Kids don’t like the cold and I’m guessing you are not going to like 6 hours in the car with your kids. No matter how adorable your mini-kids may be (or how well the fit in the trunk).
That said… you better believe ill be teaching my kids to snowboard albeit with a realistic expectation of the throws involved (and a good instructor).